IF IT STINKS IT MUST BE SPRING by Rick Deitrick

February 6, 2013

VICE PRINCIPAL RUDD OPENING SPEECH

Good afternoon moms and dads and boys and girls and, well,  everybody. I’m Vice Principal Rudd. Welcome to Porter Potter Junior
High’s annual Spring Thing Carnival, a cornucopia of fun and delights.  As you know this festival is sponsored by the Parent/Teachers Association and honors the founding father of our fair city, robber baron Porter Potter, the cutthroat mogul behind the invention of the PortoPotty,  The Crapper That Changed The West.

No tale better illustrates the importance of Porter Potter’s contribution to our America than the historic meeting between two legends of yesteryear, Buffalo Bill Cody and Sitting Bull. Both were coming off a three-week binge after a particularly rough season with Cody’s famous Wild West Show. While recovering in a bordello steam bath in Kansas City in the late 1890s, Sitting Bull told Wild Bill the Indians were so smitten by the “Thunder Box”–as the aborigines had come to call Potter’s device–that the Plains tribes were willing to go on the warpath over it. The great chief went on to tell Bill it was this very same PortoPotty which brought the tribes together in the summer of 1876 at a place called Little Big Horn and it was in defense of this convenience that he and his fellow tribesmen so vigorously fought and defeated that grand hero of the War of Secession, George Armstrong Custer.

Perhaps the fearless gladiator Custer underestimated the extent of the zeal with which the Indians were willing to fight for their beloved appliance as the great commander told his men on the eve of that famous battle: “Tomorrow we all shall take a crap on the Bull’s PortoPotty.” It was the Thunder Box, Sitting Bull told Cody, that was instrumental in the Chief’s decision to change his family given name from “Standing Truth.” At least that is what it says in our social studies textbooks.

Students, teachers, and fellow citizens, I want you to know that all proceeds from today’s carnival shall go to purchasing a full-service
bar for which the PTA President has so long wished. No more Thunderbird and Popov hangovers, eh Mrs. Frawley? With improvement comes change, but Dr. Nemoy has assured me that the new bar will in no way affect his providing the Xanax and Ritalin pills that have become so much a part of the tradition of the PTA meetings here at Porter Potter Junior High.

Before the entertainment, a few words about what you can expect from this year’s carnival experience. There will be the usual Pin the Tail Back on the Live Donkey. Miss Freebie will again be our hostess in the popular Kissing & Touching Booth and again this year, Miss Freebie asked me to tell you, she will go both ways. You’re a good sport, Miss Freebie.

Dr. Nemoy has kindly provided the cadavers for The Haunted Bloody Dungeon. I’m to remind you that, before you enter the dungeon, please don’t forget to don your full-body bibs, provided to you courtesy of The Meat Place, a Place for Meat. Let me see, there’s Professor Curiosity’s Gold Fish Dissection Lab for the kiddies and Make The Feathers Fly Laser Gun Aviary for the teens and so much more. Just forget your troubles and have fun.

This year’s performer at our annual Spring Thing Carnival is one of Porter Potter Junior High’s illustrious dropouts, Dylana St. Noir. Dylana developed her unique talent as an up-and-coming neo-beat poet slash bunko artist while surviving the Hildegaard Potter Projects. Ate lots of stale cheese and three-day old bread in your time I’ll bet, eh Dylana? Young lady, get up here. You look great. What are you wearing, darling? Genuine dog leather! Very Nice. That’ll make Betty White very happy. Where’s my wallet, girl, ha ha? No. Really. Where is it?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the annual Porter Potter Spring Thing Carnival proudly presents Dylana St. Noir reciting her latest tragic poem
vividly describing her most recent struggle with reality, “Oblivion.” Take it, Dylana –

“I look into your eyes I see
Oblivion
And in your anguished sighs I hear
Oblivion
We don’t care anymore
I’m a brute — she’s a whore
Life is just a fucking bore
Oblivion
We don’t laugh and we don’t joke
Oblivion
All our dreams gone up in smoke
Oblivion
We just sit and stare and stare
And stare and stare and go nowhere
Dude for us the cupboard’s bare
Oblivion
Woe is me
Woe is we
Dwelling in our house of doom
Caught up in this veil of lies
Wandering from room to room
A living Hell we both despise
I feel so low I can’t get high
Oblivion
My every orifice gone dry
Oblivion
We just sit and stare and stare
And stare and stare and go nowhere
Life is a butt-empty chair
Oblivion
OBLIVION.”

Don’t she paint a picture though, folks? Now c’mon everyone, let’s get out there and really whoop it up at the Spring Thing Carnival!

Rick Deitrick is a songwriter who sells mainly to TV. He recently signed a contract with a Universal Music subsidiary and released a folk album, titled Long Way Home in 2012.

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31 Responses to IF IT STINKS IT MUST BE SPRING by Rick Deitrick

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