A QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONNAIRE FOR QUINT (or DAMN YOU, MARCEL PROUST!) by Jim George

June 25, 2017

Mr. Donald Dirky
Dirky Doughnuts
182 Bearclaw Ave.
Frytown, PA 19612

Dear Mr. Dirky,

With all due respect, I don’t see what these questions have to do with my applying for a job as a doughnut maker. However, as it is required by your company, here is the Proust Questionnaire you requested I fill out.

Sincerely,

Quint Boothby

QUESTIONNAIRE

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

When and where were you happiest?

Outside when the sun was shining, I was eating a lollipop, and there was a rainbow

What is your greatest fear?

Fear itself–and women who look like Franklin Roosevelt

What is your greatest extravagance?

Blueberries

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My socks. I just stepped in a puddle.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

I’d have them own a socks store so I could get them for free

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Prior to today, not stepping in puddles

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Dry socks

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Man-hands

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Ladyfingers

What are your favorite names?

Herkie, Delmont, Stymie, Efrem, Wenceslas

On what occasions do you lie?

Holidays

Who is your favorite painter?

Earl Scheib

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

The one right below the second-lowest

What is it that you most dislike?

Dislikable things

How would you like to die?

Getting kicked in the head by a unicorn

What is your current state of mind?

Wisconsin

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?

Darlene

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My penchant for deploring

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Usage of the word “deplore”

Which living person do you most admire?

This guy I met who likes to buy cakes for people he hardly knows

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

The cake crumbs on my vest

What is your favorite journey?

The original one with Steve Perry. That new guy makes me nervous the way he jumps around.

What is your greatest regret?

That puddle today

What is your most marked characteristic?

“Rosie” tattooed on my chest

What historical figure do you most identify with?

Since I like to wash my hands, I guess Pontius Pilate

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Behooves, contusion, posthaste, at the end of the day

What is your motto?

At the end of the day it behooves one to have a contusion examined posthaste.

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Jim George has self-published (as a pdf) a humorous collection of illustrated stories and verse, entitled Jim Shorts, inspired by Lewis Carroll, James Joyce, Edward Lear and John Lennon. Among the legendary figures he has interviewed for StarlogGuitar WorldPrevue and The Reading Eagle are Gore Vidal, Muddy Waters, Steve Allen, Dick Cavett, B.B. King and Jean Shepherd.

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