TRAVEL GUIDE FOR BURR, OHIO by Stephen Gallas

February 27, 2017

The Essentials

Getting there

By plane:

Dayton International Airport is located 84 km from uptown. Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport is located 93 miles from uptown. Neither of these airports offer shuttle service to Burr. If traveling by air, renting a car upon arrival is highly recommended.

By train:

There is one railroad diagonally bisecting Burr from the northwest to the southeast, but it is designated for freight purposes only, with passengers being strictly prohibited. All freight hoppers will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

By bus:

It is not possible to travel to Burr via bus. There are six bus stops peppered throughout town, but they are only for travel within Burr.

By car:

Burr is located 22 km south of I-70. Use a navigation system to find it.

Getting around

On foot:

Most attractions are within walking distance of each other, especially uptown. This will make your stay highly convenient.

By bicycle:

Bicycles are a great way to explore the beauty of Burr, but sharing the road with cyclists draws the ire of motorists. A common verbal barb used by local motorists is, “Get on the sidewalk, pussyfart!”

By subway:

There are no immediate plans to construct a subway system in Burr, as there is no local demand for it. Upon hearing the word itself, residents assume the subject to be the ubiquitous sandwich restaurant chain.

By car:

Cars are the best way to travel around Burr, especially if you plan on taking in a Burr Braves high school football game, as Walter Heller Stadium is located 4 km from uptown.

Burr Facts

Population: 4,379 people live in the quaint town of Burr.

Area: The town of Burr covers 15.23 square kilometers.

Name: Originally incorporated as Anseensee in 1801, the former name means “bright green” in the language of the indigenous Miami tribe. On his way to an event in Cincinnati in 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr was beset by diarrheal fits. He decided to rest in Anseensee, where he was nursed back to health by Mayor Dirk Dingus. The name of the town was immediately changed to honor the vice president, and an ordinance was passed that forbade future name changes.

Climate

Burr’s four seasons are distinct and its climate is temperate. Burr receives 94 cm of rain a year, as well as 46 cm of snow. The average high temperature in July is 30 degrees C, and the average January low temperature is -6 C. Autumn is the best season to visit, as the trees in and around change into vibrant red, orange, and yellow colors. It is at this time of year that Burr and the hills surrounding it are most beautiful. The brisk autumn air makes any outdoor activity pleasant.

Cheap Eats

Zone Bros. (23 Beech St.): This calzone restaurant makes a variety of calzones, ranging from the standard pepperoni and cheese to bacon and sausage.  With delivery available until 3 a.m., these ‘zones are a must have for any visitor.

Pattaya (14 Oak St.): The only Thai restaurant in Burr, Pattaya is arguably the best restaurant outside of Bangkok for gorging yourself on Thai staples such as pad Thai and pho.

Slop Shack: (37 Beech St.): Slop Shack is home to the best slop in the tri state area, with its featured dish being the famed lima bean slop, available for 79 cents on Tuesdays.

Platinum (4 Ash St.): Doubling as the best gentlemen’s club in Burr, Platinum has an exceptional lunch buffet. Why not snack on a B.L.T. while you enjoy your lap dance?

Harold’s Tavern (18 Maple St.): The best place to eat buffalo wings in town. Outfitted with keno and a dart board, this establishment is the most popular watering hole in Burr.

Don’t Miss

Historic Post Office (9 Maple St.): Built in 1952, the post office is a glimpse into the rich history of Burr. It is made of brick.

Town Square Park (Ash & Oak): Set smack in the middle of uptown, Town Square Park is the ideal place to come have a picnic with the family. Formerly the location of public executions, Town Square Park made national headlines in 2005 when Kid Rock performed here. It went down as the greatest concert ever performed in the history of mankind.

Mark Your Calendar

August – October: Burr Braves football season. Playing their games at Walter Heller Stadium, this Division IV high school football team is one of the most exciting draws in the area, and is beloved by local residents. 2011 was the best season in team history, as quarterback Trey Dumple and the high-flying offense led the team to a 6-4 finish. The near playoff appearance garnered much excitement in Burr.

A Day in Burr…

Start your day off right by choosing from the wide array of slops at Slop Shack. Even with such a large menu, you will be hard pressed to find one you do not like.

Head over to the Historic Post Office, and take a tour of the facility. You will be enriched with a bounty of knowledge about mail and all of that stuff.

Walk to Town Square Park and relax or toss around a frisbee. You can even close your eyes and visualize what it would have been like to see Kid Rock bring the house down with “American Bad Ass.”

You’ll have worked up an appetite by this point, so check out the lunch buffet at Platinum. It’s all-you-can-eat, so if you are able to stuff yourself to the gills, you might be fortunate enough to witness the shift change. That means you will get to see more girls naked. Take advantage of this rare opportunity.

Eat dinner at Pattaya for the exotic experience of eating food from an Asian country. After trying this restaurant, you will want to eat Thai food every day. The employees are good at English, too.

If you are lucky and happen to be in Burr on a Friday in the fall, you might be able to catch the Burr Braves in action. There is nothing more exciting than small town high school football, as the game results will be all the players talk about well into their forties.

After the game, make an appearance at Harold’s and enjoy a tall, crisp beverage or nine. Almost get into a fight with your opponent in darts, then drive back to your accommodation and complain to your spouse about how the keno machine is rigged.

Wait until your spouse is asleep and sneak into the bathroom to order delivery from Zone Bros. Instruct them to text you when they arrive. When they do, meet the driver in the parking lot. Furtively eat the calzone while your spouse dreams away.

You’re All Set!

By referring to this guide, you should have an inkling of what to expect when you visit beautiful Burr, Ohio. To see user reviews, book accommodation, or contact us with further questions regarding your trip to Burr, visit our website at www.jetsetters.net. Happy travels!

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Originally from the Cleveland, Ohio area, Stephen J. Gallas is a current MFA student at Chapman University in Orange, California. Prior to attending Chapman, he worked in Korea as an English instructor for four years. He has fiction forthcoming in The Cat’s Meow for Writer’s and Readers.

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