So, I lost my job at a well known American fast food chain after I was caught stealing chicken. I could hardly help myself though. That flavoursome mixture of herbs, spices, hydrogenated fats and monosodium glutamate was just too hard to resist. But apparently that is no excuse, and I was just thrown out immediately.
I went straight home and started trying to write up a resume. This was more difficult than expected since I had no computer to type it on. I also had no pens and no paper, and since I didn’t have a job I had no means to buy the stuff. I eventually took to wandering the streets and knocking on doors, and after much perseverance I managed to secure a new job as a performing seal at a sea life centre.
This job sounded like fun and it probably is for most, but all the other seals started bullying me from the first day. They all laughed when I first tried jumping out the water to catch a fish, and every time I turned my back I could hear their barking. I didn’t speak seal but I knew they were barking about me.
They never let me sleep with them on the big rocks; instead I was always forced to sleep on a small rock on my own. They would wait every night till I had just fallen asleep, then one would swim up and roll me into the water. When I tried to tell me keepers they just laughed at me.
One of the ‘perks’ of the job was that I would get all my meals for free, which sounded great when they sold it to me, but they didn’t tell me my diet would consist entirely of fish, which I happen to be allergic to. When I complained to my keeper he just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘that’s part of being a seal’. When I complained that I wasn’t actually a seal but a human just pretending to be one, he asked me if I wanted a transfer to the shark tank.
I eventually got fired from from the sea life centre after I was caught sneaking out of my enclosure to steal food from the restaurant. They said they began to suspect something was up after they did an audit of the supply cupboard and found four chickens and twelve jars of monosodium glutamate were unaccounted for.
That’s two jobs I’ve been fired from for stealing. I decided to keep that in mind when applying for new jobs. So far I’ve sent out applications for: spy, pirate, and banker.
Jack Peacock is a writer and artist originally from the UK.